I know it's only 2:30 in the afternoon, but I'm having a glass of wine. Ali and I are having a lunch picnic in our tv room, with a new bottle of sweet white wine (a recommendation from the man at Grape Vine Market) and some amazing brie and bread. Soon I will start outlining my notes for a final on Monday.
I know it's only 2:30 in the afternoon, but I feel as though I've been tied up and beaten and spit on for days on end, and I'm so down I can hardly hold up my head.
I know it's only 2:30 in the afternoon, but the year is speeding by and soon it will be later, and I will be older, and the wine will be gone.
Master says to me, "Shay, you passed, actually. But you can't get to heaven in a car, you have to take a bus," and I feel so many things.
Ali says I scare him when I'm like this, despondent and sobbing nightly and out of my own control. I say what? I'm fine. Just tired. And he kisses me and I smile and then I toss and turn and fail to sleep and stay tired and the next day is a repeat of the one before.
My law school essay is now submitted to the Pre-Law advisor at UT for editing and advice. Why do I bother? I can't even pass a martial arts test, how could I get into law school?
It's only 2:30 in the afternoon, but I'm ready for bed.
SGL, 2:30pm
Sunday, July 27, 2003
What an emotional weekend. I'm exhausted from it all.
Ali's birthday went well, but having Master over for dinner is no small affair. Ali made me play piano for him. I was tipsy and nervous and it was wretched. FAIL.
The belt test wasn't difficult, really, in the normal physical ways. Instead it was mind boggling, and when "you all fail" came from Master's lips, I experienced the mental difficulty I've heard the tests are supposed to entail. I've not yet recovered. I'm heartbroken, really, that I can put my all into something and still fail. I train so hard, and yet I can't meet his standard.
Now I'm trying to get through some Geology homework and it's just leaving me in tears. I have 1 more day to drop this class, to lose the 4 hrs credit, to lose the 150$, to lose all the time I've put into it. That might be necessary. Another failure.
I simply do not want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to start another week, I don't want to face anyone at work, I don't want to wake up at 6am for this stupid class that's over my head. I just want to stay in bed, under the covers, hiding from everyone and everything. Don't tell me that'd be the only true failure, because now I know better.
SGL, 10:50pm
Saturday, July 26, 2003
Tukong test in 5 hours. I dreamed about it. I'm so nervous. Last night Master said to me, "Good luck at test tomorrow... your shoulder...." and then just shook his head. Yah, I was fine til he shook his head.
For breakfast today I had carrot cake. Way to go, fatty. For a mid morning snack I'll have more. Anything to calm the nerves.
Meg's on her way over to help me get ready for the party tonight. I must bake a lemon cake, and cookies, and make some dips. Then the test. I see me there already. I feel the nerves already, the heat, the determination.
Words float around. Junbe, REPORT, carrot cake, daze, ice cream, coffee, anxiety, dobok, Pyung Won, fog, left side, KI-AP, confusion. My insides are jumbled but I don't really care. My shoulder hurts already, and I'm afraid of failure today, which maybe I'll blame on my shoulder on the outside, but inside I'll know it was just me.
I'm listening to Captain and Tennille Love Will Keep Us Together because it makes me laugh. This is the song Bag used to play when I visited her in New York. We'd wake up to it every morning, and in our PJs, with bananas as mics, sing and dance around her tiny New York apartment. Good times.
Man, if only Master hadn't shaken his head like that.
SGL, 11:06am
Thursday, July 24, 2003
So every night I curl up beside him, between his arm and body, and I can hear his heart beat. I thank god for his heart beating, for the moment believing in god, and then try to let its rhythm put me to sleep.
It never does, of course. Tossing, turning, silent pleading for sleep. I've found two things work: sleeping pills and wine. Not combined, of course.
Last night in Fire Dragon Team the three of us testing were "pre-tested." I did horribly, and now wish I weren't testing at all.
I've worked so little lately I'll have to deplete my savings just to meet bills. What a bizarre feeling, a worthless feeling, a feeling that all I do is take and not give.
Master tells Ali I am stronger than him, but that is why we're perfect together. I wonder if it's a joke, or if he knows what I secretly suspect about myself, that somewhere hidden inside I have strength.
Tomorrow's Ali's birthday. Family dinner party at our house, and I am nervous. There will be wine. Saturday is the test, and then Ali's real birthday celebration. This weekend I am woman of the house, when I'm not used to being woman at all. And when it's all over, I'll once again curl up beside him, wait to hear the heartbeat, and try to let it carry me away.
SGL, 10:52am
Thursday, July 17, 2003
Coolest Tukong class last night. Master said "everyone have shoes?" and we all nodded. He said "good. Put them on, we train outside today." Ten minutes later it started pouring down rain. Not just a little sprinkling, but full on rain. We stayed to train the full 45 minutes, sword training, with the swords wet and slippery in our hands and the rain coming down so we could hardly see. We yelled louder and louder, as if trying to scare the rain away, and kept training.
It was fabulous. The only unfortunate part was my mascara, which ran and burned my eyes while we trained, and then my hair, which decided to be a huge tangly wet mess at the end of class, and which caused several people to look at me and say "shay? you look. uh. different."
But it was fun.
And then I went to work until almost midnight and finished everything I was supposed to do today, so I get today off. HOT DAMN. I'm going to clean, and make Ali's birthday card, and drink my Diet Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and have lunch with Cass, and practice piano.
Days without work rock.
SGL, 11:36am
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
I'm out of my friggin mind. I simply cannot fall asleep at night. It's making me crazy.
Master got mad yesterday and pulled out his sword and threw it down. He was contorted with his anger and it scared the crap out of me. Suddenly I was 10 again, watching the adults around me, silently begging begging begging them to not blow up, to not throw things, to not yell. Terrified that one small wrong step and I'd be the target of the explosion.
It was heartbreaking. And I haven't shaken it. I feel very small now, very tucked into my turtle shell.
The thing which is making this week good is that Friday, while Ali is spending the night at the dojang for the over night training, Bren will be spending the night with me. We're going to get snacky food, movies, and wine. We're going to turn the TV room into a big comfy pillow-y lounge spot. We're going to put on PJs and giggle and relax. I friggin can't wait.
Then next weekend is Ali's birthday and the promotion test. My shoulder is killing me but I really want to test. I hope it works out.
Now I'm drinking a diet Dr. Pepper which is very tasty. I read that the aspertame isn't so bad for you, and I find that I am fat, so at 0 calories and a sweet taste, it's my new favorite drink.
I'm out of my friggin mind.
SGL, 12:37pm
Saturday, July 12, 2003
Okay. I was homeschooled. We all know that. And so when my parents were teaching us about how the stock market works, they let me take 1k$ of my savings (gig money) to play with in the market. I did, way back when, and immediately doubled my money. I left my initial investment in, sold the rest and put a down payment on my first car.
I just got home from a 9 hour training at the dojang, exhausted, and decided hey, I'll check on my stocks.
And I found that the stock, 250 shares of which I bought way back when for 2.50$, is now work 12$ a share. How bad ass is that? Obviously I'm a stock prodigy. (I won't mention the Dell stock I bought later, which has NOT gone up since my purchase time.)
I'm sellin', and going shoppin'.
SGL, 11:47pm
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
I'm tan. People are complimentary, overly so. They say it's hard to imagine me away from this studio, to see me outside in the sun, and so to see me with a tan is a shock, but a pleasant one. It fits me, they say. I think yes, of course, being away from here fits me well.
Mexico was great. Being back is not painful, just draining. I feel bursting with affection for Ali, and I'm trying to rein my emotions in. Master changed things at the school, so Ali will be busier. He's added lots of intensive workshops, so I will be busier. This Saturday, for instance, I have to attend a training session from 3pm until midnight. I'm absolutely terrified.
Law School checklist:
LSAT: 163 (got it)
3 letters of recommendation (1 in, 2 in the process)
personal statement (undergoing final revisions)
resume (done)
application (not released til Aug 1. I'll finish it then)
I'm competitive, but my chances aren't good.
I will stay at UT another year and get a 2nd undergrad degree if I don't get into Law School, then I will reapply to Law School for 2005.
I will make me who I want to be.
SGl, 1:53pm
Saturday, July 05, 2003
"All these traces of his old life seemed to seize hold of him, saying: "No, you won't get away from us, and you're not going to be different; you're going to be just the same as you've always been with your doubts, your everlasting dissatisfaction with yourself, your vain attempts at reform, your falling from grace, and the constant expectation of the happiness you have missed and which is not possible for you." - Tolstoy
SGL, 7:44pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
