I'm so frusterated with weight and the pursuit of thinness that I'm gonna scream.
Ali and I tried the no carb thing for 3 days. It was wretched. I don't think my body's recovered from the years of vegetarianism enough to deal with that much solid (GROSS) meat. Meanwhile, I feel I gained weight during those 3 days of steaks.
Nasty. So now I'm looking at the Zone diet, which seems healthier and more in line with the foods that appeal to me. Ali will hate it, though.
At least this is something to distract me from my midterm madness.
SGL, 10:40pm
Friday, October 24, 2003
Big sister in love.
Gonna get married.
3 months of dating and they both know.
And they're gonna do it.
He's absolutely mad about her, worshipful of her, and she loves him back.
Wow.
SGL, 1:40pm
Monday, October 20, 2003
Tee hee. My name in silverchat is "kung fu jew." I'd forgotten about that.
I am so glad I'm not in the dating world. For so many reasons.
Feeling so fat and unattractive lately it takes much effort to leave the house. Mom says, "there's a sadness in your voice lately, Shay, what's up?" I tell her what's up, because I tell her everything. She has no cure, but telling her made it less.
And now I have so much homework to do I am crushed, but I refuse to do it. Why?
I feel like getting dressed up, with heals and makeup, and playing in the world for awhile. A couple years would be enough. Then I'll be good again, I promise.
SGL, 11:40pm
Friday, October 10, 2003
So emotional lately. Given up on understanding or controlling myself. Still can't sleep.
2 Yoga Yoga classes today, both lovely.
Subbed for Angie at work today, answered phones and made coffee, billed my normal rate, and marveled at the lack of stress in that job.
Now I'm home, and Ali will be home soon. We'll have red beans and rice and cornbread and then make popcorn and watch movies. I'm so excited about the evening, and so glad that he's such a perfect match for me that he's excited about it, too. I'm wearing my cloud print pajamas and searching the net for halloween costume ideas. I think I want to have a costume party. Fun, yes? Will you come?
Also, I'm listening to christmas songs. I love this time of year so much. Little plastic angels and elves, houses draped in lights, Holiday Strauss, fa la la la la.
SGL, 8:53
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Bucked up. Trained. This time the techniques weren't a surprise and I was braced for pain, but instead I had a gentle partner and it was the most fun I've had in ages.
But at the end of training the floor was cleared. I was alone on the mat, and suddenly the whole world seemed to swallow me. I realized I am very small, and single, and alone. Man is an island. Nights are spent absconding, crying, aging in secret, and then in the days the lipstick goes on, and just like lipstick our smiles and our laughs and our walls are pulled out. And here we go, bumping around this stage with our roles and our affect, unable to truly reach out and touch someone.
But we keep waking up, and holding up our walls, with the hope that someday someone will make it through and then it will all be worthwhile. Then, for a moment at least, it will all be okay.
SGl, 11:31pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
