1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
SGL, 5:30pm
Sunday, November 23, 2003
UT didn't accept me. They didn't reject me, either. They've put me on hold, to wait until the end of applications, in case many better applicants come along. I'm doomed. Will try again next year.
Thanksgiving and the Christmas and the end of the semester are approaching. I'm gleeful about that. And today was the first day of cold, with temperatures in the low 60s. Glorious.
Here's a picture of Ali and me enjoying the winter.
Tomorrow's a Monday, but shortly after it is a long break.
SGL, 9:32pm
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I shouldn't admit this, but I'm going to, because I'm feeling self destructive.
I like the new Britney album.
I'm debating chopping off all my hair, dying it dark brown, doing something to change my current appearance which is driving me mad.
Skipped classes today. First time this semester. First time in my life, really. Now that I realize what I've done, the guilt is setting in. I should be shot.
I had a dream I got into Law School. I woke up so happy. When I realized it was just a dream and that everything is still unlikely and yet uncertain I went back to bed.
3 weeks left of this semester. Then the Black Belt test, and Christmas, and the verdict.
SGL, 10:41pm
Monday, November 10, 2003
The words are disappointment, glee, misery, ecstacy, boredom, exhaustion, confusion.
There are more. They float around, they touch me and become me and then leave as if they were never there.
Houston road trip was so fun, with angels on harps and genius on canvas and mediocre hobbit food on top. No one ever talks, but being alone in a car forces talk. Or silence. Which is most uncomfortable?
Then my first ever Master's Club, a monthly training session for black belts only (pum dan counts). I went, excited, nervous, ready to train hard, and instead we were yelled at for an hour. Master was too mad to teach us. He left, after yelling, and that was that. Maybe I won't go next month.
Now I'm at work. How weird to be working when I'm not a worker. It's nice to be good at something, and to have free coffee. It's so safe here.
Maybe I'll stay for awhile.
SGL, 11:26am
Sunday, November 02, 2003
So sad.
Just re-read my law school essay, and my heart dropped to my stomach as I realized that it's not very good.
Looked at my law school transcript and report. Realized those, too, are not very impressive.
Heartbroken at the thought of having to stay in that chair, in front of the computer, by the mixing board and outboard gear, forever. Fat, ugly, sad, lonely, and failed.
At least I get to take Italian next semester, before I'm locked in the studio for ever.
So melodramatic, but it's the only way to play with the ugly situation at hand. It's pouring down rain now, so maybe that'll wash away some of my gloom.
SGL, 2:09pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
