patchwork girl

jejune ramblings
Sunday, February 08, 2004
  Trying to put wedding planning off until the summer, but some basic things need to be decided now. The wedding is in 7 months.

I'm having trouble reconciling my own wishes with the realities of the wedding. I want a tiny, quaint, elegant thing and that simply cannot happen. Ali wants a 300+ person potluck wedding, and that sounds like a nightmare.

I think the compromise will be a small (100 person) close friend and family ceremony, and a large (300+ people) reception with wine and hors d'oeuvres which my mom, her close friends, and other close friends will make.

But how do we pick who comes to the ceremony and who doesn't? Who we ask to bring food and who we don't? How can I get through this without stressing the relationship, eating myself silly, and ringing loved ones' necks?

I want to elope.

SGL, 1:13pm

Wednesday, February 04, 2004
  So overwhelmed.
Such a fake.
Trying to avoid those glances which penetrate the charade.
Please don't know I'm no good.

Tomorrow's my first Big Test. I must do well. But how can I? I'm such a fake.

Going now to learn the difference between the spinocerebellar tract and the spinothalamic tract while soaking in the bubble bath.

Then Tukong, dinner, more studying and bed.

Hey, please help, what should I get Ali for Valentine's Day?
SGL, 7:00pm

Monday, February 02, 2004
  I'm learning how to be these new things. A fiance, a girl's friend, a black belt, a student. It's weird how defined I was by my old roles, and how I become so blurry without them. Can you still see me?

The days aren't hard, really, as most people's are. They are privileged beyond belief, and yet so exhausting. I wake up and work, I play engineer. Then I put on my backpack and run to school. Then I drive in traffic and change into my dobok in the car. The grody men honk but I don't care. Then I train, and I'm a new black belt, a lipstick-wearing black belt. I yell loudly to compensate for the exaustion and confusion inside. I say yes sir but I don't always know why.

The only thing I hate in all this is my new short hair length. Everything else is okay.

SGL, 10:15am

Wednesday, January 28, 2004
  Isn't it funny how sometimes the world can just swallow you whole?
In Tukong tonight I'm in a daze. Ali comes over afterward and says, "You ok?"
I say "yes," but I mean "why do you love me?"
It's good I don't ask.
Is it the hair color? The eyelashes? My legs?
Strip it away, would you still love me?
Is it my family? My friends? My interests?
Strip those away, would you still love me?
Is it the accomplishments? The endeavors? The experiences?
Strip it all away, and what's left?
Me. Just me. What is that?

And is that enough?

SGL, 11:45pm

Monday, January 26, 2004
  Being a student is indescribably wonderful. Such gratification, such satisfaction, such anonymity in the interim.

It alone would keep me sane. It's adding in the work, and the wedding planning, and the relationship maintaining, and the tukonging which throws me into the deep end.

Bren wisely advises from abroad. Here are things to which I will cling so I can find stability and sanity:
* bubble baths
* cooking
* reading history books while cuddled under blankets in our big living room chair
* coffee
* self-given manicures and pedicures
* spending time with mom and meg
* shopping for "disposable" clothes

I hope that's all I need.

SGL, 8:44pm

Sunday, January 25, 2004
  Emotionally unstable lately. Being engaged has left me questioning everything. Am I ready to commit for life?

But I love him.

School is overwhelming. It's fantastic, each class, each reading assignment, each paper topic. It's all wonderful, and I look forward to each class day. But it's so much work, so much reading, so much preperation, and I've so little time left after I work and train Tukong and grocery shop and sit still holding my breath waiting for the emotions to settle.

So little time.

I'm in debt severly after our engagement party, and I'm not sure why. This week I must buy a computer, because how will I write papers without one?

But I really do love him.

SGL, 10:36pm

Monday, January 19, 2004
  "I don't like the word 'stress,' it's a Madison Avenue word. It's something that can be cured with flavored coffee and bath bubbles." -President Bartlet


  "Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre  
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