Bob's gone. I'm gonna cry. I found out last night that it would happen this morning, but I couldn't say the one thing I needed to say to stop it from happening. I needed to assure the powers that be that he can run a session just as Matt or I would but I couldn't. He met ProTools 6 months ago, how could he be expected to be as proficient as us who've known it for years? Regardless, I'm heartbroken and I miss him already. They all say "it's not your fault, chill." but in a way it is. My spirit is dark today. I guess his is, too.
Meanwhile, I made this today at work, to entertainingly give a taste of the studio's music and style. Let me know what you think.
SGL 8:42pm
Thursday, August 29, 2002
It was raining when I drove to work this morning, and as I drove I cheered the droplets on. I wanted it to rain all day, to wash these weird feelings and bad vibes from the air. Of course, when I pulled in to work, the sky was clear.
I'm glad about the 3 day weekend, about the free day of Yoga on Monday, about Meg's return home to Austin. But I feel dirty, and mean, and unhappy. I lost my Spanish class. I think it was a computer error at ACC, but I deserve it because for so long I've taken advantage of the computer errors in my favor (2 semesters without tuition). Oh if only UT had night classes! I can't think about it. I get too sad. A whole semester wasted. I hope my History of China class is engaging enough for 2.
I feel like a whale. We're going to Master's house tomorrow and I'm nervous. If I were thinner, I'm sure he'd like me more. If I were prettier, smarter, how could he maintain this cool? But as it is I'll stay quiet and hope I give him no further reason to dislike me.
Green tea just isn't the same as coffee. Maybe that's what's at the heart of this.
SGL, 12:50pm
Monday, August 26, 2002
Started Monday off right with a fight with Kyle. I said I enjoyed XXX and liked Vin Diesel and all hell broke loose. Kyle threw up his hands (he's so melodramatic) and sputtered, "What has happened to you? You used to value intelligence more than anything, and now you're just attracted to all these MEAT HEADS!" This heated me up because it implied that Ali is a meathead. I assured Kyle of Ali's brain power and Kyle just shook his head and said "His arms, Shay, have you seen Ali's arms? They're HUGE." And it went on from there.
Meanwhile, I spent the day watching the clock, contemplating a way to escape class, which starts tomorrow. I entertained the idea of dropping out of college, giving up after 6 years of slow but steady progress toward that useless B.A. in Philosophy. Too much work, too much strain, too much hassle, and work's going so well these days....
I hate it when Kyle's right, but maybe I have forsaken that part of me I thought so integral. What happened to work as the means for school? What happened to my one goal in life being to get a good education? What happened to me knowing where, who, and what I am? Bloody hell, I lost it.
And found Vin.
And Ali's big arms.
SGL, 10:14pm
Friday, August 23, 2002
Exactly 2 weeks and $900 later, I have my car back. Many little things are wrong with it (plastic vents broken, cruise control not working, etc), but at least I have it back. Right?
Dad's a bit taxed by money issues now, too, and it breaks my heart to see him weighed down. And somehow I encouraged Ez to join Tukong, which only further burdens Papa. It's so nice having Ez to train with, though!
Yesterday was fabulous at work. Today was not. I felt sick all day and the rest of the staff seemed especially antagonistic. I stormed out early, and will forget it about it before Monday.
Tonight Ali and I get to catch up on this season's Sex and the City. Thank god it's Friday.
SGL, 7:30pm
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
I haven't done Tukong since last Thursday. I'm huge, and so very frusterated with myself. Fatty, I say, stop eating, I say, go running, I say, but I lie in bed munching froot loops instead. Dammit.
But I don't think I'm quite well enough to do Tukong tonight, simply because I have a bit of a wheeze going and a cough and dizziness. Instead I'll do Tai Chi, a nice compliment to the amazing hatha yoga class I just finished. Then tomorrow I've got sessions booked from 7am-6pm, and so I must rest up tonight lest I be sluggish in the morning. I'm excited at the idea of being productive so early in the morning, but if Stu ever books something like that again I might punch him.
On the other side of things, Bob has attempted sound design at something I did yesterday, and I think his version is quite better. I'm alarmed, hurt, and excited all at once.
What a weird place this is.
SGL, 5:07pm
Monday, August 19, 2002
I was sick Saturday, but did the yoga workshop, anyway. I'm sick today, but I had a work meeting I couldn't miss this morning. Now I'm home again, but the meds I took to make it through the morning are still with me, and I'm as hoppity as a rabbit. I can't sit still, I'm dizzy, and I'm dying to get back to work. I'll go back at 6 and work til 10. That'll make a full 8 hour day, and I won't have to risk contact with other humans, and I'll get out of the house. Whew.
I wonder now if this is how life goes. Is this it? Nothing big is on the horizon, nothing big is planned, so where do we go from here?
All the tragedy in the news is disheartening. I'm going to stop browsing cnn.com now and go for some lighter entertainment, something like this.
Being sick isn't anything like I imagined it would be. I'd like to be well again, please.
SGL, 4:05pm
Friday, August 16, 2002
Nearly overwhelming relief at the week's end. Near giddiness in open-training Tai Chi tonight, talking with mom, going through Ip Sun Hyung, practicing the Sleeping Crane (is that what it's called?). I'm sad that Tai Chi is no longer on Friday nights, that it's no longer my fun end-of-the-week thing to do with Mom. Change...
Abbie stopped by the studio this week. She used to be so close to me, we used to be such good friends. Then one day she forgot to show up to work, and I hadn't seen her since. At Tequila we waved to each other, but there was absolutely no recognition of our friendship in her eyes, and I was too busy to let her see it mine. Neither of us wants to remember the time we were friends anyway, but isn't it worse when all at once it rushes back, pushed up from the corner where we'd stashed it?
I've been talking to Meg a lot lately, about her memories, undealt with, begging for her attention now that she's far away from home and alone. I wish I could take all the bad dreams from her, and lock them up in a place with my own, so we'd be able to boldly move on.
Right now I'm scared. Of today becoming one of those stashed, embarrassed memories, of today's perfection changing tomorrow, of tonight's Friday bliss turning to Monday horror. I'm scared of moving out of my chair.
SGL, 10:08pm
Thursday, August 15, 2002
The boys at work apparently got together and decided that I have been, since my return from Mexico, especially mean. They have decided this is because I have too many hobbies, I'm spread too thin. They, via Stu, have decided that I should cut back so I don't have to be so rushed and harsh every day. I promise them I'll be mean to them whether I'm hurried or not, and that my grump with them is their own fault for booking me 12 hours a day every day since my return from vacation. This pay period I billed 111 hours for 9 days of work. That's way too much work to do while holding small talk with the office boys, isn't it?
Ahh. Anyway, I think I may be getting sick. I'm terribly excited, as I've been waiting for this for months. I'll get tea, and people taking care of me, and yummy tasting chewable kids vitamins, and rented movies, and lots and lots and lots of sleep, and an excuse not to go running or to sparring club or to work, and for ONCE I won't be hungry. I just hope the sick waits til Sunday, because Saturday I have a big yoga workshop to attend.
Soon Ali will be home, and we'll play games and talk til bed time. Good stuff.
SGL, 9:27pm
Monday, August 12, 2002
I think I need prozac.
I come around to that so very often. But then I remember what it's like, and that no one really needs it.
So I'm stuck where I am. I want to fly away. I imagine sprouting wings and flying over everything, away from everything. Why isn't that possible?
School starts soon and I can't wait. But part of me can, because I know it won't be as I imagine it. It won't be a fun time with a smart teacher and interested other students and fun studying with M&Ms and late night snacks and secret passed notes and debates over Plato's real feelings behind the Republic. Long ago my philosophy study buddies graduated, and I stopped eating M&Ms, and Plato ceased to be interesting. Now it will be just another thing I'm comitted to do, another thing to face each day, another thing through which I'll have to fake a smile.
Deep down I'm happy, it's just on the surface that I'm miserable. I promise.
SGL, 8:09pm
Friday, August 09, 2002
My car was stolen last night, right out of our parking lot. The police called at 4am to report it recovered. It's costing me hundreds of dollars I don't have, plus hours and hours of my time. My poor car is all messed up inside, and is now at a shop being repaired.
The good news is, the 4am call was NOT because someone in my family had had a heart attack, or a car wreck, or any of a dozen worse possibilities. Ali has been a brilliant knight at my side, helping me every step of the way, as have my family, co workers, and friends. Amazing support. So what if I'm back in credit card debt?
Tai chi tonight, then the weekend, thank God. I'm doing a Hatha yoga workshop for beginners tomorrow with Ali and my parents. I'm looking forward to it. And luckily, I paid in advance.
SGL, 5:16pm
Thursday, August 08, 2002
Work has been so very busy, but today was quiet. Stu gave me the day off, since he's already booked me solid for the next 2 weeks. I did yoga this morning, Tukong in the afternoon, and then went here for a "Mud and Steam Rejuvenator" and a pedicure. I'm a princess, apparently. JAP is to be feared.
Then home for more yoga, care of my 20 minute VHS called "Stress Reduction Yoga." All this relaxing is making my head ache, though. I need a cup of coffee.
I've nothing profound to say here, really. I want my life to have meaning, and it doesn't. I've decided I either must live for money, or live to better the world. This half assed pursuit of both is getting me nowhere. Tukong was devasting this afternoon, to my ego, my heart, my ankle, and I left too upset to consider going back for awhile. Maybe it's because I contrast it with yoga now, but it seems harsher lately. It seems all yelling and "toughen up!" and pain and not enough philosophy and careful explanation and gentle pushing. What will I do?
Green tea time.
SGL, 9pm
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
Sorry 'bout that. I've been at work since before 8, and I'm a little nutty. Bob's doing a patch for me (the big boys want me to get him able to take over for me once I start classes) so I've nothing to occupy my time. I decided to clean up here. Good, eh?
I pulled my hip horribly last night in class, trying to favor my left ankle while doing turn around kicks and now I really want to go to Yoga in the hopes of easing my hip back into place. Is this much body trauma normal for a 21 year old? I thought I was supposed to be in the best health of my life now! Don't tell me it just gets worse. I've fallen madly in love with yoga and hope it will help balance me a bit more.
Big session tomorrow with one of my fav. producers, but it looks detailed and, as usual, I'm afraid I'm gonna mess up and disappoint her. Why can't things ever just be? Why do they have to be feared and THEN be?
I'm wearing red. I feel loud.
SGL, 3:52pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
