Crisp, cold air brings a feeling of winter to the day. I like watching the huddled people hurrying by, I like being a hurrying huddled person. Hot cocoa, fireplaces in use, scarves, slippers, red cheeks, it's all so foreign, but so welcome. I love this time of year.
New York will be especially cold this weekend. I'll get to wear my new ankle-length double breasted black wool coat, and the scarf my favorite professor gave me long ago. We'll huddle, but we won't hurry, I hope.
Enjoy the weekend, and the weather.
SGL, 1:08pm
Monday, October 28, 2002
When I was 12 I saw my mom ripped open, literally. I helped nurse her back to health, though now, 10 years later, she's still fighting constant pain. It was all because of a doctor's mess up, and since then I've sworn off doctors.
Somewhere around that time I also decided I had cancer and would probably die before hitting 25. So this weekend when I started having pain and other bizarre wrongnesses, I freaked out. I was convinced I was dying. Finally this morning I went to the doc, and it's nothing big at all. An emotional breakdown for nothing. I'm exhausted. Neurosis is taxing.
So today I was mainly glad to be alive, but by sundown (which is now quite early) my normal gloom settled down. Talking with girls after Tukong I felt stupid, ugly, fat, useless. I felt as I often feel there: embarassed to be Ali's GF. That is, embarassed for him that I am. Does that make sense?
I stopped by Taco Cabana on the way home for a side of black beans and rice for me, and chicken and queso for Ali. When the guy handed me my food he said, "you're beautiful" and hurried away. Then he came back and said, ever so tentitively, "can I have your number?" It's silly, I know, but for a second I felt pretty, and warm inside, and smiley. How do I get that inside always, independant of outside influence?
Does anyone have it?
SGL, 10:10pm
Friday, October 25, 2002
I helped with kids class last night, and a little girl broke my heart.
We were stretching before class, talking about our most and least favorite Tukong activities. Sparring - no, forms - yes, kicks - yes, especially in combos, etc. Then she said Staff? Yes, I said. She nodded and told me that she used to love staff, but after class last week she hated it and would refuse to ever pick one up again. I asked her why, and my little friend explained:
Last week Master separated the kids by belt color (normal practice,) and then separated them into a boy group and a girl group. The boy group was taught the "cool" staff twirls over the head form, and the girls were not. My friend said "all I learned was that Master sure knows how to play favorites." Class started just then, and I could say nothing to defend Master, or make her realize that she deserves to be taught the cool, hard stuff, too, even though (????) she's a girl.
So instead I stayed sad, and adult class wasn't able to cheer me up. I didn't say anything when I had the chance, and now an 11 year old little girl is feeling the same thing I was, months ago. I absolutely hate that. Tonight I'm having Mom and Ez over for dinner, so I'll skip Tukong to cook and clean. It's just as well.
SGL, 2:00pm
Thursday, October 24, 2002
The week is flying by. I love that. One more til NY.
I bought a new bellybutton ring today, because my old one broke yesterday. I bought this one at Claire's and it looks like it belongs on a 16 year old. I feel silly. It's plain silver, like my old one, but then it has these dangly rhinestone things on the end. Bizarre.
Yesterday I was in a grumpy mood, which lasted until Wendy showed up and rescued me to bubble tea and giggles. Now I'm drinking green tea and trying to reaccess that happy place, despite the gloomy boys here at work, who leave grayness in their wake.
Meanwhile it's one of my favorite times of year. Halloween preparations are abundant, the weather is cooling, the holidays are approaching, and, perhaps best of all, the new UT Spring '03 course schedules are out. I'm trying to talk Wendy into taking a class with me (hey W, how bout "Materialism" in the phil department? T, TH 3:30-5?). I'm trying to find a class to appease work. I'm trying to find a class to make me smart.
So go enjoy the day, and the weather, neither of which is as bad as it seems. And drop me advice on class selection, if you have any.
SGL, 10:49am
Monday, October 21, 2002
Full circle to another Monday. This time it's one in a countdown. A countdown to Halloween (party at the dojang, I'm bringing a pinata, I'm so excited), to New York, to Paris.
This weekend was perfect.
Friday night movie at the dojang, preceeded by bubble tea with Chris, Wendy, and Ez, proceeded by margaritas at Bahama Breeze (just water for me, though).
Saturday was yoga, a quick session at work, early voting, and dinner with Ali's mom at Fonda San Miguel. Delicious.
Sunday I woke to find our bedroom covered in rose petals, and filled with Happy Birthday balloons. The day was like that, beautiful and dream-like.
So today will be Monday, but it will be warmed by memories of the weekend. And when it's over there will be 1 more Monday until New York, and 9 until Paris.
SGL, 11:21am
Friday, October 18, 2002
I feel like a million different things are hitting me at once, all of them boring, but their combined impact leaves me blinking rapidly, heart racing, feet tapping (precarious balance), excited, but so still. The cacophony so acutely felt, but still distant enough to leave me apart.
The studio is full, B.Schneider recording in B, Sonic people mixing in A, and no one but me in C. I've just finished two sessions and I have another soon, but right now I'm alone. Tonight is the Tukong movie night (come one, come all) and the thought of hotdogs and popcorn and friends and ali is overwhelmingly appealing. Just like the excitements bursts from me, love for that place, and those people, and ali does, too. Tomorrow is Salima's birthday. I've written her a Dr. Suess-esq poem and I'm excited about her reading it. Sunday is my birthday, and I'm excited about living through it. I just finished sound designing a spot which I'll actually see on TV, I'm busy picking classes for the Spring, Ali surprised me with some mango bubble tea, tomorrow I get to do yoga, and in a few hours it's the weekend. Bang, bang, bang.
Go out and enjoy your own fireworks.
SGL, 1:59pm
Thursday, October 17, 2002
New York planning is fun. We just got tickets to see Cabaret at Studio 54, starring Molly Ringwald. I wish we were leaving tomorrow.
Instead, tomorrow is a movie at Tukong, following a long day of work. Then Saturday is yoga and a short day of work. Then Sunday is open.
I just ate an entire bag (big big big bag) of halloween candy corn. I think I'm gonna be sick. And after that I'm gonna be fat.
This is another pointless post. I think I'm losing all my zest.
SGL, 2:08
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
I'm excited. And, truth be known, a little disturbed that I've spent over 3k$ on travel in the past 2 weeks.
I just booked a flight to New York for the first weekend in November. My friend Margo from Tukong, Ali and I are all going. I'm so so so very excited.
Also, I just called the White House. See here:
The president wants to know your opinion about the proposed war on Iraq. If you haven't already, please tell him soon - time is running out.
Phone the White House at 202-456-1111 (9-5 EST). A machine will detain you a moment and then an operator will thank you for saying "I oppose" or "I "approve of" the proposed war against Iraq.
_____________________________
And it worked.
I better work now, and soon a midterm, and THEN NEW YORK!
SGL, 12:32pm
Sunday, October 13, 2002
Yesterday was a glorious day. I woke up and headed straight to Yoga. Alone. My first yoga class without a friend or family member in tow. It felt good to be there simply because I wanted to be there. After class I floated next door for a manicure and pedicure. From there came lunch, a smoothie, and a walk around the Westgate shopping area. All lovely, calming, alone.
Then came preparation for the party. Ali, Ez, Mom and Meg helped. It was a perfect-for-me party. Low key, small, little alcohol, my family was included, the music was soft, and it ended early (12:30 or so). It was great. I ended up wearing my black super low rise pants, a black shirt, and my huge rhinestone belt buckle on a black belt.
Now it's Sunday, and tomorrow another week begins. Ali and I just got bubble tea and onion pie for an afternoon snack. I LOVE that stuff.
And this is the end of a very bland blog post.
SGL, 3:41pm
Friday, October 11, 2002
I'm sitting in my chair again. This time I'm wearing my suit coat, my suit pants, and a white shirt. I feel small, because the jacket is big, and my feet are tucked under me.
I have a voice talent here perusing a script, and the script writer in the kitchen perusing the fridge. Soon we'll find out from the client whether or not the script is approved. Until then I'm just sitting here, exchanging glib email with a classmate, drinking green tea, mind wandering to all the fantasticness that's coming soon.
I don't know what to wear to our birthday party tomorrow. Wendy's and mine, with twister and monopoly and maybe some wine. She's set, wearing a beautiful white dress she bought yesterday during our shopping marathon.
Tomorrow's the big fun, then tuesday is a midterm, then next weekend is more fun, then in November is Jonathan Safran Foer, and finally in December we get Paris. Peut-etre j'écriverai francais jusque ma vacation, pour preparer. Qu'est ce que vous pensez? Je pense que je ne sais pas assez francais!
SGL, 1:08pm
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
We're going to Paris. I'm bursting with excitement. Staying at a small hotel in the Latin Quarter, flying out December 26th, staying until January 3. I'm so friggin' excited.
And before then, in November, one of my absolute favorite authors will be in Austin for a book festival. Jonathan Safran Foer, ooooh yeah.
Before that, though, is another big History test. I hope I can concentrate enough to remember that the Sung came before the Tang, and the Han was the super Confucian government and Boddhisattvas are the Buddhists who save people.
Right.
SGL, 12:31pm
Monday, October 07, 2002
I wore my dobok pants to work, because it was supposed to be a light day and I thought I'd be able to sneak out to train.
Over my tank top I wore my jean jacket, because a cold front was supposed to come in and I wanted to be prepared.
Of course the day has been amazingly hectic at work, and the cold front forgot to stop by, so I find myself a bit off.
My left ankle is killing me, and I can't figure out what I've done to hurt it. I'm drinking green tea and waiting for a CD to burn. Tomorrow is a test in history, and again I'm not going to study. It occurs to me that if my school standards remain low, I can take more classes. If I become okay with Bs, and Cs, I can pile on the courses, do poorly but pass, still work 50-60 hrs/wk, and graduate early. Am I smart or what? The thing that bugs me the most about my birthday, or maybe the only thing that bothers me about it, is that it turns me into the age at which people are supposed to finally finish their degrees. I've gone from a class youngun, to one of the older students. That's why 22 is such a sad age to turn, with 40 hrs lacking toward a degree.
SGL, 3:55pm
Saturday, October 05, 2002
I thought I had to work today, so I skipped sparring club. Got to work to find a message: "session cancelled." Too late for sparring club class. I haven't trained since Tuesday because I've been working nights, and it's driving me up the wall.
The thought of returning to work Monday is wretched, I'm desperately seeking escape routes. I'm considering using the rest of my 3 weeks paid vacation to stay home and do nothing. Dad says I need a shrink, that I shouldn't hate work this much and yet be too attached to it to leave. I ignore him and calculate how long I'll have to work before I can retire. Too long, I think.
I bought a suit. Not really, but the components of one, which is close enough. I like it in theory, but I know I'll never wear it.
Despite the gloom around me (in me), it's a beautiful day. I'm going to grab the new New Yorker and head to Spiderhouse to enjoy the weather and the good reading. Wendy, if you're around, call me or just stop by, k?
SGL, 1:22pm
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
More hollywood movie stuff today. It's so exhausting, all consuming, a step into another world. They're coming back tomorrow night, 8:30pm, forcing me to truncate a dinner date with my favorite UT prof. I hope he understands. Today the director asks why I dyed my hair. I tell him and he says, "oh. I love dark, rich hair. But on you the blonde definitely looked better."
Ali once told me I watch women too much. Today I realized that I watch them not because I want to date them, or kiss them, or anything like that, but because I want to BE them. I'm captivated by the lives of others, especially others who are smart, sexy, funny, etc, and so I watch. I watch to learn how I can be like them, keep some of them with me even when they go. Is that just weird?
SGL, 11:34pm
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
Listening to: PPK, "Resurection"
Reading: The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
Wearing: My favorite black pants and a white shirt
Feeling: Vaguely like an oreo, spooked from The Lovely Bones, which is about a girl in heaven after her murder, impatient for work to start, the session which is now 2 hours late.
I haven't done yoga in a week, and I miss it. In tukong last night we did kicks, I was the worst in my line, Master heaped the compliments on the others. One of the Black Belt Club members says, "Shay, I'm having a Black Belt Club movie night soon." I tell him I'm not in Black Belt Club (but I do not tell him how badly I want to be in it). He says I'm invited anyway. I laugh. It's nice to finally feel like they're my friends.
SGL, 11:34am
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
