Okay, am I silly? I love the set that is this and this. It would be mine if they only had it in my size. Cool or not?
SGL, 3:00pm
Monday, November 25, 2002
Listening to: Ani Difranco, Both Hands
Wearing: My favorite lambs wool turtle neck sweater (black), my dobok pants, and some very fuzzy houseslippers (white).
Feeling: A little lost. The excitement of the test is over and I'm offically a blue belt (results posted tonight). It was actually a fun test, not a scary one, but I'm still glad it's over.
Today at work an old family friend came in for a Chili's spot. He warmed up in my studio because I had no clients. We got to talking, the normal "how old are you now, sweetie? I remember when you were this high, feet dangling from the piano bench..." until I asked how his wife was doing. He teared up, and confessed that things are rough. They found out a few months ago that their 19 year old son had been killed at college. He talked to me and I sat there hopeless, looking at this tremendous pain, unable to do anything but nod, say "I'm sorry."
This morning I happened to stop by Ali's blog, which he updated last night while I was sleeping deeply. He feels empty and lost, too. I had no idea, and I thought we were so close. So what I'm realizing more and more is that it's not just that I'm alone, but that everyone's alone. Hell isn't other people, hell is seeing other people and not being able to break the barrier to reach them.
SGL, sullen, 9:09pm
Sunday, November 24, 2002
I broke a board over my head. Ali says I passed. I'm a blue belt now. More later.
SGL, 6:5pm
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
The week has been great. I've had a blast every night training, preparing for the (OHMYLORDIT'SSOONI'MGONNAFAILI'MGONNADIEI'MSOFRIGGINSCARED) promotion test this Saturday and playing with friends. I didn't want to admit it before, but the near-failing of the last belt test has made us green belts really bond. Now we're one tight unit. I hope. I've also had fun at work, playing composer (which do you like best? My original piece, or the alt? It's for a TV spot, so the sound alone won't make much sense...) and singer (and hell no, I'm not posting that).
Also I'm on a diet now. I hate that word, and the women who spout it, and today as it flew out of my mouth, "I'm on a diet," I felt contaminated and pathetic and overflowing. Nonetheless, today I had a piece of toast, 1/2 a PB&J, an apple, and a smoothie. A lot for most people, 1/10th of what I normally consume in a day.
Last night I went to dinner with a group of friends, and somehow got lost in the evening, completely removing myself from their company. I felt suddenly as if they were complete strangers, as if I were in a completely unfamiliar place. I just wanted to get out, to run away. It always comes down to that, no matter how far I think I've come. And I'm always alone.
SGL, 9:10pm
Saturday, November 16, 2002
Done lately, in the name of happiness: took the morning off work to see an early Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets showing, bought and started reading the 1000 page "Memoirs of Cleopatra," skipped class to shop and play with Wendy, found and enjoyed Soy Nog, split some Godiva chocolates with Ali, bought a new sweater, stopped my morning jogging, found and delighted at "Tofurky," the vegan's Turkey Day turkey alternative, and skipped Tai Chi to watch The West Wing. All in all, a pretty good, and smiley, week.
Now it's the weekend and the only negative factor is this ridiculous cough and sore throat, which just won't go away. I'm going to ignore it and meet Wendy for more Christmas shopping and perhaps a sushi lunch, and then tonight maybe I'll stay at home, watch movies, read my book, and rest. I love doing things just because I like doing them, and just acknowledging that has impoved the state of things. I recommend it to everyone.
SGL, 8:31am
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Pursuit of happiness seems a worthy endeavor. I think I'll try it. Yesterday was with that in mind, shirking class responsibilities to shop and dine with Wendy. Skipped Tukong to relax with my mom, to try and heal from this tenacious sore throat and cough. It was a fun day, and if all Tuesdays were like that I would look forward to them as I look forward to weekends.
I love this time of year. I love the christmas carols, the christmas lights, the cold weather, the time off work, the visiting family and friends (yay Bren!), the presents, the fuzzy clothes, the fireplaces, the enormous meals, all of it. It's the only time of year you can sing door to door without being locked up. The only time you can skip a week of work and still keep your job. The only time you can give gifts without being accused of trying to buy love, affection, approval.
Yes, I love this time of year. And I love doing something because it makes me happy, instead of because I said I would do it.
"Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?" - Woody Allen
SGL, 9:01am
Monday, November 11, 2002
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
- Woody Allen
Little people are everywhere. I am exceptionally large. It's unfortunate. Dressed up a little on Friday night for the Waffle Fest (good first show, good waffles, vile second act, KKK, illegal sex acts, incest, and other tasteless skits) and suddenly even Ali seemed short. It reminds me of the Dr. Suess book, was it Yertle the Turtle? Yes, the king of all he could see, who kept trying to get higher and higher, to see more and more, so he'd have a bigger kingdom to rule. So, if I were queen of all I could see, boy would my kingdom be big.
Things are light, odd, surreal. It's not just the cold medicine. "I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you."
SGL, 5:02pm
Friday, November 08, 2002
I can type 98 words per minute with 97% acuracy, according to Jyo Kyo Nim'styping test. And that's pre-Kahluha and decaf coffee.
Spirits (not to be confused with Kahluha) are uplifted because it's Friday. Tomorrow Ali's busy at a demonstration in Kerville (which I will not attend) so I have a free day to wander, eat sushi, do yoga, hang at spiderhouse, and shop. Perhaps I will make him a fabulous dinner, too, because he'll be tired from a long day.
Tonight I want to go see this. Anyone wanna come with?
SGL, 10:29am
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Such a dark day. A day of mourning, for the democrats. Could the election results have been worse? What the hell happened?
I'm grumpy, fat, ugly, useless, embarassed to be me again, again, again, forever. Tomorrow I start work with a new client on the radio program "Star Date." You've heard it if you listen to NPR. I'm worried, because I'm always worried, because I know the truth about myself, the truth about the uselessness and stupidity and wretchedness.
It's not raining, I have no excuse for this gloom.
SGL, 10:11pm
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
Back from New York. Miserable to be home. Found I love the following: kuhluha and decaf coffee, Creed's Silver Mountain Water perfume, walking, club soda and lime, cannoli, street fairs, cold weather, 6 story walk-up apartments, being in the middle of it all.
I enjoyed every second of the trip, and upon my return home I realized that I never (rarely) truly enjoy the seconds here. Each day is split into hours, minutes, seconds through which I just wade, wait, will to be done, so I can get through what I do and get on with the weekend. There every second was exciting, but relaxing, and I felt so free.
Sitting here, being in my car, showering at home this morning, it feels like I was never gone. It feels like this has always been and always will be my life. The worst part of it is work. I love the actual work, and I love most of my clients, it's the other on staff Tequila employees I can't stand. If only there were other professional radio ranches in Austin..
Plan: get my degree, talk Ali into moving, head to New York for a few years.
Until then, though, what?
SGL, 2:11pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
