I finally nerved up. After 45 minutes of turn around kicks with enough accuracy to kick a cigarette from someone's mouth, I approached Master. "Sir, can I talk to you?" He nodded and we went to his office. I was a bumbling idiot, so nervous and still dizzy from the kicks. He was wonderful, but why did I ever think he wouldn't be? At the end I asked if he was happy with my training, he said yes, on a scale of 1-100, he gives me 105. I was floating.
That was the highlight of my week. Everything else has been a trial. Every night I'm so glad the day's over. I'm so sad another one's on its way. This holiday stuff is taxing, the obligations crushing, the traffic outrageous.
8 days til Paris.
SGL, 10:42am
Monday, December 16, 2002
People are mad at me. I'm not used to that. My family is mad that I won't leave for Louisiana Thursday night. I want to train Thursday night, recoup from the long session I have scheduled all day at work, and then leave first thing Friday. Apparently that's selfish and childish, and now my greatest allies are against me. Suddenly I hate Christmas.
I made little holiday cookie/candy pouches for the kids at the dojang. I'm making Kyle do a session for me tonight so I can be at class to give these treats to the kids. Funny how the necessary always competes with the worthwhile.
God I'm grumpy.
SGL, 2:38pm
Friday, December 13, 2002
Been too down to write lately. Too empty.
I just finished my final, and I'm so glad to be done. I hate things looming, and that did, like a dark buzzard.
Lately I've felt disconnected from everything. I feel like I should go away. Not for me, but for everyone else. Maybe for me, too, because it's bad to be where you shouldn't be. Master seems to have growing dislike of me, and I'm about ready to cry and scream that he makes no friendly gestures anymore. He goes out of his way for my close Tukong friends, and that only makes it more obvious that I'm an outsider to him.
Meg's in town, which is good. A week from today she, Ez, and I will drive to Louisiana for the weekend, for family. It's never fun, but maybe we'll make it be. Ali will remain behind, for reasons that leave me tired. I'm always tired.
There's been an extra grand piano here at Tequila for ages. It's a beautiful, fun to play grand. It's just wrapped up in storage in one of the extra rooms. Dad said I could take it when I get a house. I just found out that Dad also told Billy HE could take it, and today we discovered he had indeed moved it to his place. I'm gonna cry.
Meanwhile, I'm still empty, and actually for the first time in months I'm not hungry. No food yet, and it's 11am. Usually I've consumed 2 meals by this time. Tonight I'll help with kids class, and then head to Buda for family dinner night.
I'm looking forward to Paris so much now, and I think it's only because it will be something different. I love something different.
SGL, 11:10am
Monday, December 02, 2002
It always happens this way. Monday always comes. I live for the breaks, the holidays, the special occasions, but inevitably they pass and I'm right back here. And so I am, again, here and empty, empty but aching. Hopelessness, the same circle I've been running for ages, my inability to break out.
I've blown through thousands of dollars in the past few weeks. I guess it started with the palm pilot, or maybe just my tuition for next semester, but it cascaded into Christmas presents, J.Crew turtle necks I couldn't live without, my velour outfit, a dozen of Victoria Secret's low rise undies, yoga goodies... It should stop, this ridiculous spending, but it can't because now we must put money out on the house we found today to rent. I'm empty and my bank account is empty, but I must rent a place with large closets to be filled by all the stuff I seem to value so highly. I'm an idiot.
Two of our friends got engaged this week. I'm glad for them, because they seem so in love. I'm such an idiot that I asked Ali what it was about the girl that made the boy so absolutely in love with her that after only 9 months of dating, he wanted to be engaged. Ali says he doesn't know. I say, why can't I have that effect on a guy? And we argue, and it's horrid. The argument didn't last, of course, they never do, but it was horrid nonetheless. And my question was never answered.
I'm not sure what to do now.
SGL, 9:16pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
