Wearing: my huge, floor length wool jacket over yoga clothes and a scarf.
Feeling: annoyed at the day, which is slow, annoyed that Angie says 3 people called me today and none left a message, annoyed that I'm catching the cold Ali has, and really friggin annoyed that my boss' daughter is engaged, that my sister is engaged to be engaged, that this marriage talk and the one step further baby talk is everywhere and people are looking at me funny. STOP LOOKING AT ME. No babies. No wedding. I like me the way I am.
Listening to: Born Slippy by Underworld
Watching: Vin Diesel on TV, sound off
Should be: studying, backing up my computer, getting a head start on tomorrow's sound design, practicing nunchucks 1-35.
Chanting: "nothing tastes as good as thin feels"
SGL, 2:46pm
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
When you look into my eyes, what do you see? I'm not the one, I'm not the one you thought. I'm not the one you want. It's all far too antiseptic. I want you to jump. Come on baby light my fire. Just walk with me, it's not too far. Smile. It will be glorious. You are the world, the whole world. How does it feel? Even angels fall. You are everyone. Why? Explain it to me. Explain me to me. Please don't ever go. You make me happy. Can I keep you? Your eyes sparkle. Everybody hurts sometimes.
SGL, 1:30pm
I got to a point where I didn't think I could make it through another day. They're all great days, priviledged days, precious days, and yet the thought of unceasing occupation from 8am alarm clock ring to 1:30am tossing and turning in bed was so anathema that I was ready to burst. Not one thing I do matters. Only the doing it matters. But I'm so tired of doing it.
Then the ice hit. The town closed down. I got to spend all day doing basically nothing. Eating, playing cards with Ali, visiting with friends who trudged through the ice to make smores with us, unpacking, cleaning, just being in a way I haven't in a very long time. Everything was put on hold. Tomorrow it will resume full force, and time wasted will have to be made up, but that's okay. We got a day.
It's over now.
SGL, 11:15pm
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Going, going, going. My life is the auction, who bids for today? Clients, tequila, my english class for a ridiculously shallow Emily Dickinson vs. Puritan tenets paper, pizza for my belly, coffee for my head, half dogs and down dogs for my hamstrings and fragile-as-glass low back. Sold.
I can't believe it's almost March. I'm almost 23. I'm 23 already? I'm practically dead.
So much to do. Wake up at 8, walk a mile, have breakfast with Ali, go to work, go to school, write papers, train Tukong, TRAIN HARD, do yoga, unpack, clean up the shattered Tequila bottle, the other dishes that didn't quite make it from old place to new, clean old place, PACK up old place, pay double bills, shop for funeral clothes, breathe. No sleep, really. Ali steals the covers.
Soon, weekend, and the rush of activity. Today's already going, going, going, gone.
SGL, 1pm
Monday, February 17, 2003
I'm getting mixed signals from people all around me. Friendly signals, then not so friendly signals. Play signals, then serious signals. I can't figure it out, I don't understand people, a person, anyone. It irritated me all weekend. I hid mostly in Ali's presence, away from others, and that was okay. I understand him.
Now I'm at work because a session was on hold but never confirmed, which means I have to be here just in case. So I'll mix this month's Star Date, drink my coffee, and perhaps read a bit about the Russification of the Baltic Provinces.
I have a session at 4, so I might miss kids' class at 6. This matters only to me.
Can't read CNN.com anymore. Too scary, too sad. How did this happen?
My car is a pain. It's in the shop now, again, and again I will have to spend money to get it working. How does THIS happen?
My hair is short and resistant to any kind of "style." I think I'm gonna go blonde again soon. I never should have switched back. When the blonde left, so left my zsa zsa zu.
Work is great, which is weird. Since I've been back from Louisiana, I've actually enjoyed being here. I'm so fickle.
And to top it all off, training. There's a test in a month and I think I might just skip it. Who cares if everyone passes me by?
SGL 10:36am
Monday, February 10, 2003
Just bought tickets to the Austin Symphony for next weekend. I'm so excited.
I was sick all weekend, accomplished nothing. No training, no school, no yoga, no moving. I ate pizza for all three meals yesterday and I feel so much better today. Everyone was so nice to me, I felt so important.
Jamie Kennedy's coming back this week for more work, because they liked working with me so much last week. I feel so important.
Ali tells his mom last night, "And guess what! Master still wants to open a temple here, so you may have a monk for a son afterall!" He's so excited, oblivious to the position it puts me in. His mom leaves and I joke with him, "You're gonna be a real monkey? You're gonna live in a Monkery?" He laughs and we leave it at that and I think wow, given the option he'll ditch me to go pray all day. Lame. And suddenly I don't feel so important.
So much to do.
SGL, 3:05pm
Friday, February 07, 2003
A guy just walked in with a dozen baby white roses for me, as thanks for "amazing work." I'm so entirely charmed!
SGL, 1:49pm
So busy. Workin' constantly, sessions booked back to back, the ADR word has spread and the people pour in from LA. Luckily, all have been nice, contrary to my initial impression.
Tukong is great, but sad because Master's father in law passed away. Master's brother in law works at the dojang, so his sadness is viewable. And contagious.
Our new house is coming together slowly. We're selling our old washer/dryer, and we arbitrarily chose 100$ as the cost for the pair. Apparently that's a fabulous deal, because I've recieved at least 50 calls/emails since placing the ad. People are sad to hear we sold it, which leads me to believe that the way to spread joy throughout Austin would be to buy and distribute cheaply clothing washers and dryers. If I'm ever a millionaire...
SGL, 10:30am
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
Billy Bob was great. He was sweet, fun, interesting, engaging. And he invited me to the set of the movie he's doing in town, "The Alamo," with Dennis Quaid. Very nice.
Despite that, I'm not very smiling lately. Mom explained to me yesterday that I'm mourning. So this is what it's like. Every night dreams, wake up crying, have dark circles under my eyes and swollen lids. I feel that I'm falling apart, that the world has changed and will never be alright again.
Thoughts of her are pervasive, and interrupt even the best intended studying, or session running, or tukong training. I'm exhausted, I'm behind at school, at work, and I look terrible. Poor Ali doesn't know what to do with me, except step carefully lest I flip out at him.
The cheeriest thing, the only time I actually lose the sadness, is kids' class on M/W nights. Last night I worked with a little girl who was training for the first time solo (without her brother leading her). It was great, and afterward her father actually told me that I was helpful, that my presence made the whole thing better. I was shocked, because I always think I'm on the verge of being kicked out of class by a parent unhappy with my treatment of their kid.
That's it.
SGL, 10:35am
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
