Nothing like an early morning session with an outspoken, crazy, old jewish man to send me into an existential crisis. "Have dinner with me tonight," he says to me, oblivious to the other 10 people in the studio listening and the fact that he's older than my father. I stutter. I say "I have class tonight." "Okay, how about lunch tomorrow?" He's the voice talent, an author, a well respected musician, a known pedophile. I say "I think I have class tomorrow, too." The room laughs. I sweat.
It goes on and it's amusing and flattering, but he makes some good points. "I don't care if you have a boyfriend or a fiance, or you live with a guy. You need to experience me, you need to DO the things you think about doing, you need to break out of these societal norms that bind you. If you don't, you'll marry this shmuck" (see I told you, jewish) "and you'll be miserable for your whole fucking life, do you really want that?" and down I go, inside, wondering if my acquiescence in all aspects of life, my striving for nothing more than stability, will really end me up in that place.
SGL, 1:51pm
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Really the bombardment never ends. It never pauses. It always is. From the moment furthest back in my memory to now I've been busy. It's really the only way to avoid the self, so I've gotten good at filling my time. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have nothing looming, though. To wake up and wish for something more than the end of the day. Nothing to look forward to, just to get through.
Sad, considering the amazing luxury and priviledge of my life. Maybe if I weren't so spoiled I'd stop taking it all for granted.
It's odd how the war is affecting me. I didn't think it'd hit so hard, but it devastates me every time I read the news. So. much. suffering. And we're can't help.
Fat. Can't change it. It's getting worse. From the little bit of the Oscars I caught last night, I loved Steve Martin's line "I'd do anything for a body like that... well, except exercise and eat right." Haha. That's the story of my life. But I really eat pretty well, and I'm alllllways exercising.. My body just likes to be fat. Dammit.
Around me is harshness. Everything seems so determined, so forceful, so heavy. I don't want to push it away, I don't want to resist, I want to relax and let it beat me down. It's okay if it beats me to nothing, because most of the time I feel like nothing anyway.
I want to get away for awhile, but I know that's no good because I'll just have to come back. I have to write a huge research paper soon, and I can't seem to pick a topic. What do you think? The rise of the Bolsheviks? Manipulation of nationalism during WW1? Trace the development of national consciousness in the Baltic Regions? Help!
It's hot. It's getting to be summer. I love it, really. I love the change.
SGL, 5:11pm
Friday, March 21, 2003
I have a sunbe. I'm very excited. It's a martial art mentor, someone to help me out, and someone I can look up to and go to with questions. Good stuff. I love it. She's a fabulous woman and martial artist, so I'm very lucky.
I'm so glad it's the weekend. I'm bursting with gladness about the weekend. There's nothing going on and I am so so relieved. I'm hoping the weather's nice so Ali and I can go to the lake, or maybe just my parents' pool. I want to buy a BBQ pit and have a little get together. I will go Saturday to help with makeup testing, and the little kids' test. I will catch up on sleep and relax. It will be good.
Yesterday was more RR work, this time with him and him. It went so well. I was nervous. I'm glad it's over.
Now, coffee and mixing time.
SGL, 10:47am
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
What should the reaction be?
Ethnic cleansing, CIA, ghetto nation, get away. War, spring fashion, HEB, hate crimes, Blockbuster, training, playing, Gap, war fighting, love, murder, dolce and gabbana slacks, it all just swirls together. I flip between cnn.com and abercrombie.com. I'm fine and I'm upset. Is it really going to happen?
Last night I realized that if the world is destroyed tomorrow, I certainly want to enjoy today, which means no more work and no more class. It means my whole life has been a waste if tomorrow never comes, because I've spent it living FOR that tomorrow.
So I went out and drank. And drank. And drank. Drunk is a fabulous feeling. I passed out at 3am, after our other drunk friends headed home. Ali got sick, but I was fine. I'm gonna do it again tonight.
SGL, 9:22am
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Just finished a session. Now I'm preparing for a presentation I have to give soon on the manipulation of the national groups in Russia (1905-1917), and the collapse of the Russian empire. I'm so nervous. Why am I such a shy idiot? Why does stage fright still exist within me, after all the times I've had to get up and perform? After the presentation I have a big midterm, 3 hrs long. I'm going to try to finish it in 45 minutes so I can make weapons training tonight. Hah. hah. hah.
I was gonna reward my red-belt self with a small shopping spree (no more than 100$ or so), but after 2 hours at the mall I could find nothing worth buying. I'm horrified by the trend of camouflage shirt/skirts, of "US PROUD, US ARMY" print tops. Suddenly I wonder if anyone'll be left in 75 yrs to give a presentation on the manipulation of THIS national group.
SGL, 2:47pm
Monday, March 17, 2003
What a weekend.
The Tukong promotion test: I was more nervous than ever, and I don't know why. I was convinced I would fail. At first the test was okay. I thought I did well enough on my forms, and moving hard blocking. I was in a zone, I was putting all my effort into each move. But then came kicks, and I was so nervous my turn-around kicks were wretched. And then I botched up one step sparring both sides. And then was free sparring, whoooooey! I was terrible. But after the test Master pulled Shawn, Paul and me aside, grabbed all the black belts, and double promoted us on the spot. That's right, we're all red belts now. Holy cow.
The rest of the weekend was filled with spastic screams of "OH MY GOD IM A RED BELT!," studying, tanning, hanging out with the fam, and celebrating with fellow Tukongers. It was all quite nice. I didn't get much studying done, but I sure did enjoy my time.
Now it's back to the real world, cnn.com, and sessions.
SGL, 10:04am
Friday, March 14, 2003
I'm hilarious. I mean, really.
My family has decided the ambiguous financial ties to me are no good, so everything's to be orderly from now on. Part of that is the reassessment of the cell phone plan. So I went in to get myself a new, me-only plan (instead of the former family plan) and asked the guy how many minutes I used last month, to determine how many I should buy for this month. He says, "you talked for 710 day time minutes last month." I look at him and say, "you know, most of that time I was actually just listening." and NOTHING. No response, no smile, no anything.
A couple days ago a client asks how to get an outside phone line. Do they have to dial 9? No, I say. Just hit the "outgoing" button, you'll get an outside line and you'll be more gregarious. Again, not so much as a weak smile.
I AM funny, right?
SGL, 11:12am
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
How can you be a fully expressed human if what's inside to express is mean and dark and should never be let out?
Training last night was great, but then I started getting mad at the guys who tell me I'm doing things all wrong, who tell me "that's YES SIR," who tell me I'm being a baby when I want to practice the forms slowly, for technique, instead of their chosen marathon speed. Finally I gave up and went my fastest and then they were panting. I'm such a child, why can't I just grow up? Add to my narrow eyes a little dojang politics and I get good and upset. How do I chill out?
This spring break is dwindling away, and not even the sun has come out to play. I found some old diet pills and I think I'm going to take them. Afterall, spring break is the first signpost to summer and bathing suits.
Coffee time.
SGL, 10:45am
Monday, March 10, 2003
What a wretched day.
Screaming (literally) fight with Stu. He's always gone, he never keeps me in the loop, he jacks my schedule around. To him, I'm always mean, always running off to train or go to school, always mad no matter how he schedules things. No resolution, except goddammit TALK to me when you book me, don't leave something hanging and go off for lunch with nary a word to me.
Dad seems so far away, even though he's here. Maybe that's what's really upsetting me, he and all my family seem so far away. Meg was here, but then gone, I didn't know until it had happened. She obviously didn't want to see me, and neither did they. She's enjoying her spring break now. She's away in Connecticut visiting a friend, and then to New York to see Bag. I wish my Spring Break were like that. She works hard. I scream hard, isn't that enough?
Ali and I fought this weekend, too. Another thing leaving me so miserable. We made up, of course, we always do. But why did the fights happen in the first place?
I wish I could just sink away for awhile. But I can't.
SGL, 2:26pm
Friday, March 07, 2003
In case you're against Gulf War II but aren't sure of alternatives to war, here are a few sites with information:
1, 2, 3.
I'm such a geek, I've been watching Star Trek the Next Generation series DVDs lately with Ali. A couple nights ago we watched an episode where one culture was brutally exploiting another, obviously (to us) wrongly so, but, of course, our heros, Captain Picard & crew, could not interfere, because they're never allowed to meddle with other cultures. It's never okay to force your own sensibilities on another. To me, at least, it just seems wrong.
So, the war is saddening, but I'm pretty far removed from it. Here I have school to occupy my time, and the upcoming Tukong promotion test, and good weather (which means days at the pool working on my tan) and all other sorts of priviledged things. Lucky me.
SGL, 11:28am
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Tuesday. The week moves so slowly, and nearly stands still tonight, while I sit in my 3 hour American Lit class learning nothing at all about literature, but missing Tukong all belt and weapons training. This whole degree thing may not be worth it.
Bag says all lives fall into ruts, and people everywhere hate waking up day after day to the same thing, but they do it and that's why the world keeps on turning. That's not true, is it? I thought it was the ones who were extraordinary, the ones who passionately followed their dreams, the ones who conquered their fears and tried impossible things who pushed the world around, and the rest of us were just along for the ride.
Regardless, we do keep spinning. That explains the dizziness. What explains my constant exhaustion? My insatiable appetite? I could eat and sleep myself into oblivion if I were left unmonitered for long enough.
I'll go try that now.
SGL, 6:36pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
