It was bound to happen. The change was bound to hit me, the life changing shift, the move from the familiar. So I woke at 4 am scared out of my skin, gasping for air, terrified of....
I said things to Ali in the terrified, sleep drunken state, things I don't remember having said, things I'd say to him in the light of day if I were brave enough.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make this change, to carry this on my back, to get through it alone. And I really feel, ultimately, that if it's to be done it must be by me, alone.
I feel like Ali's with me, but his heart is elsewhere. His determination is elsewhere. If Master asked, Ali would drop me in a second. He'd run from me and this life and go to be... whatever Master asked. All of him belongs to Master, it's just that, for now, I do his laundry so well.
No, that can't be all.
But now I have to go finish his dinner.
SGL, 10:28pm
Monday, April 28, 2003
So, started the LSAT prep class. Took a diagnostic test. Kicked ass, though I basically entirely skipped (due to idiocy and mental power failure) the "logic games" section. Scored higher than ave. at UT. So the teacher said he couldn't help me with the analytic reasoning/comprehension stuff because I'm already great at it, but that he can help me a TON with the games. He advised me to drop the class and do 1 on 1 tutoring (with someone else) to concentrate on the games. So that's how it goes. My teacher's boss told me I shouldn't be so sure of my non-games scores, and that not even a 175 on the LSAT (out of 180) would guarantee me a place at UT, they're very selective, and I shouldn't count my chickens.. yaddayadda. I told him I'd be fine with St. Mary's in SA. He basically called me an idiot. I hope he's not my new tutor.
Now I'm working on a paper on Poland nationality, and a section of Logic Games from my LSAT Manual. I'm gonna get an A in my Russian class AND a high LSAT score if it kills me. If my brain explodes. If I don't get to sleep until I'm done.
SGL, 2:13pm
Monday, April 21, 2003
I really rock at work. No, I mean that. I mean, I hold this stuff in my hand and I can move it around, I understand it, I'm competent. I enjoy it because I'm good at it. I hate the aspects of it that aren't the actual work, though. And I hate not growing. I have to grow (not out, not weight growth, inside growth, mental growth, experience growth) so I have to leave. Right?
4 months until no more work. I'm scared. I'm so excited I want to burst. I'm so intimidated I can't sleep at night. It's a much better place than the stagnant, self made misery of months ago.
Meanwhile, time is moving so quickly. Today we celebrate 2yrs, 4 months on the dot. That's a long time to be with someone, but it feels like it's been so quick. At the same time, it feels like it's been forever.
There are ghosts around me, and I'm learning to take strength from them, instead of just touching them and feeling instantly empty and lost. They're strong ghosts, and they're part of me, so am I a ghost? I wish the pictures weren't all I had left.
I have a new favorite coffee shop. I will live there when I'm only a student. When I no longer have a business card. When the bank pays my rent.
I'm still in love with Master and Tukong, but I haven't been training much lately. Tonight I'll get to help with the kids for the first time in 2 weeks. I've missed them.
Now, work.
SGL, 10:25am
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
I kick ass at the Logical Reasoning part of the LSAT. Usually get 4 or 5 wrong per section (kick ass). I SUCK at the Logic Games. Usually I get half wrong. What is up with THAT?
Taking a prep class. Scared. If I don't get 160 or higher, no Law School for me. If they don't help me get that 160, though, I want my thousand dollars back.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to sit in on a Wills and Estates class at UT. I hope I like it. Got my recommendations lined up, already have a strong resume, just wrote the first draft of my personal statement essay, and tonight I pay for that LSAT class. I hope this works out.
SGL, 2:38pm
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
I feel like I'm fighting the world.
I'm so tired.
We do a boot-camp work out every morning now, waking up earlier than usual, fatiguing our bodies before we've even taken a shower. The tag line of the work out DVD is "love your body naked." How could we resist?
I've stepped down at work. I told them I will be purely freelance and at most 20hrs a week starting in August. Come Fall, I'm taking out big loans and going to school full time. I'll graduate in May of 04. Then law school. The philosophy major's backup. My last resort for a full life.
Master's importance to me has intensified lately, I don't know why. When he's at the school I'm star-struck. I tremble when he talks to me, and just desperately want his approval. I train hard. I hurt myself. I learn so many lessons. I learn I know nothing.
I have my first-in-ages female friend, confident, pal. Ever since Bren left I haven't really had someone who I could talk to openly about everything, who understood me and had been through similar things, who could just be there for me. It's a nice feeling.
Now, work.
SGL, 11:39am
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
