Not to sound flaky, but boy do I SUCK at logic games today. What is with this inconsistancy?? I think my brain performance is very sensitively correspondent to the amount of sleep I get. Since last night was in the "not so much sleep" category, perhaps that explains my stupidity today.
This sleep may also be responsible for my "bad attitude," as described by my coworkers today. "Bitchy essence" was also assigned to me, and I think when I'm smart again I might take offense at that.
I had my first class of summer school science this morning and I'm hoping my performance there, too, might also be explained by sleep deprivation. I would have dropped it, had Chris not outsmarted me into promising to stick with it.
Finally I was able to leave work, to drag my sleepy, grumpy, bad attitudy, stupid self home. I felt pathetic, and I practically crawled in the door. Then lo and behold I find that little Ali took it upon himself to grocery shop for us. He got everything we needed and more, including my favorite food, Froot Loops. I immediately downed a bowl of them, of course, and now I feel my energy level has risen. I expect to be back to full brain functioning by Fire Dragon training tonight. Hot damn.
I'll surprise Ali with a Soy Chai Tea now, as thanks, and maybe train a little before the little kids show up to class...
SGL, 4:58pm
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
I knew the weekend, though long, would be short. I desperately tried to grab onto things from the weekend to take with me into the week, hoping to ease the blow of the Back to Work. I went shopping, because material things LAST, right? Because they will fill the empty places. Won't they? Sure, they haven't yet, but they will... if I keep buying, eventually the holes will fill up.
Maybe not. The weekend was fabulous. I did dozens of LSAT logic games flawlessly. I played in the pool. I ate BEEF (more traumatic for my mind than my body at this point, as I slowly ease back to omnivore status). And I just generally had a relaxing time. It was nice. Bag was in town, and Moo is, too, so there was lots of family time.
Now I'm sitting at work again, sitting in my chair, backing up my drive. Nothing is booked, and the studio is eerily quiet. I'll finish my coffee, practice some piano, and then do another set of LSAT logic games. Not a strenuous morning on any count, but I'd still rather be at the pool with a good book.
Oh yes, I just bought tickets to Cozumel for me and Ali. We leave one month from today, for a 7 night stay. Perfect.
SGl, 10:13am
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Master said I didn't tear a ligament. He said I dislocated my shoulder. He put it back in place. It was the most excruciating experience of my life. Today it aches horrible, but feels better, I think.
Having a hurt shoulder has forced me to sit out of training this week. It makes me realize how much I depend on training for so many things, and how I don't want to do with out it now, or in a year. Beyond that, I don't want to move to San Antonio or Waco. My life is here, I want to keep ties with work so I can always do sound design jobs and quick editing sessions. I want to be close to my family. I want to keep living with Ali. So, maybe if I don't get into UT law I'll just not go to law school right now. I'll wait a year and apply again. And if not then, I'll wait another year.
Is that dumb?
2.5 weeks til LSAT. I'm already ridiculously nervous. I undermine my own progress, which has been slight enough on its own.
The weekend's over. It hits like bricks. This panic that I have to do, be, accomplish, maintain, hold up.
I tore a ligament in my right shoulder. Yes, in training. Yes, my fault. Yes, it hurts like hell. I spent 4 hours Friday at the doctor's office getting exams, Xrays, and drug and MRI prescriptions. It hurts to drive, to dress, to shower, to sleep. For my first Black Belt Club meeting I'm going to be an invalid. I hate that.
Today we surprised Master and his wife with a trip to see Cirque du Soleil. Ali and I saw it last weekend and rushed to buy 4 tickets for today's show; an early birthday present for Master. It was fantastic.
My LSAT scores are dropping. 5 points since my first diagnostic. The tutoring is making me dumber, which I didn't think was possible. And I still can't sleep at night.
1.5 hrs until Monday.
SGL, 10:23pm
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
So busy lately. With what, though?
At the dojang every night until so late. Monday training is from 6-10 (because now I'm in Black Belt Club), Tuesdays I train from 7-10 (though last night we didn't leave til well after that), Wednesdays from 6-10, and only thursdays do I leave there at the reasonable hour of 9. And before training is work, LSAT prep, and all the other things that fill a life.
I'm reading "Gulag Archipelago" and it's depressing. Why does the Soviet Union have this attraction to me? Such a place of suffering. It's like a bad car wreck; I can't look away.
My LSAT prep is not going well. I'm obviously well over borderline retarded and I just can't crack their code. Goodbye UT law, hello St. Mary's.
I can't sleep at night. I just lie very still, wide awake, mind racing. It's the anxiety I used to have, the overwhelming free floating anxiety. I try to run each thing through my head, to let work it out so I can just fall asleep, but that process seems to go on for hours. I usually fall asleep by 3:30, but then it's so hard to get up at 8 to work out, shower, and prepare for the day. What demons do I have keeping me up?
For now, I'm going to mix Stardate and drink coffee.
SGL, 10:30am
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
I have 23 minutes to decide if I want to go blonde again. What do you think?
My LSAT tutor is brilliant, I think, but the brilliance is not contagious. I am almost out of LSAT logic games practice problems, and I'm still no better at them. I take another diagnosis test on Saturday. I'm getting tired of the 4.5 hrs of multiple choice, and I'm not sure this is all worth it. Regardless of what I make, my chances at UT are slim.
Bag's in Paris for work. She's staying in the 6th, on St. Germaine des Pres. I'm so jealous.
I'm meeting the girls for drinks on Friday night, the girls I haven't seen in 6 months. I'm worried they'll mock me for wanting to go to Law School, and more worried that I won't even have the guts to tell them. Who am I to want to achieve? Who am I to think I can?
So, blonde?
SGL, 3:14pm
Monday, May 05, 2003
It's hard to stay present. To stay focused. To not give in to any one of the many disctractions available. There are so many escapes, so many ways to avoid dealing with yourself, with other people, with the world. How long before I give in, before I give up on drawing people back here, away from the distractions, and instead just join them?
This weekend was difficult. I don't know why. It always comes back to the same thing: I'm alone. Everyone I want to be with is lost somewhere else, in TV, computer, drugs, video games, movies... It's hard to keep waking up and going through the days, when nothing seems to matter.
Maybe I just need more coffee.
SGl, 11:11am
Friday, May 02, 2003
I think Ali and I broke up.
We had a blow up, we yelled and talked, and finally we figured things out. We got back together. It was a painful 5 minutes apart. We're strong, even when we're weak. Relationships are hard, even when they're easy.
Today I have my first meeting with my LSAT tutor. On the phone she sounds like an airhead. I hope she knows her Logic Games. I hope I'm smart enough to pick em up.
I went shopping for Mothers' Day gifts and found nothing for Mom (there isn't a thing in the world worth her, is all I can think), but boy did I go nuts on me. My favorite purchase: black tux-style pants with a pink inside lining that is barely visible at the waistline. Awesome with the matching pink shirt I bought.
Meg's in town next weekend. Ez is graduated from high school now. We're not who we once were. It's weird to wake up one day and find that your younger siblings are actually outstanding adults. The times are changing.
SGL, 12:11pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
