Wearing almost no makeup, no shoes, my dobok pants, and a cut up old ugly tshirt.
Don't care much.
Finished HP5 and mad that I let myself run through it in less than 2 days. Now reading Hillary's Living History. It's not as comforting as Harry Potter.
What the hell is wrong with me?
SGL, 12:23pm
Monday, June 23, 2003
Every aspect of my life seems to be going well, but I'm a mess.
I feel like I've been running a marathon, like I'm almost ALMOST at the finish line, like I'm on my knees, crawling, pulling with all my strength toward that finish line. But once I get there, I just have to get up and run again.
Friday we leave for the vacation. I can't wait, but I can. Once we're there, it's over, that's it, no more vacation for 6 months. And once we're there I find out my LSAT score. I'm terrified I will have failed. And I'm terrified I might have done well, I might have a shot at law school, and then what? Will I like that any more than I like making commercials? Maybe, but what if I don't? What the hell am I doing?
Where are the things which comfort, and which are secure?
I'm trying to lay low, to train at noon and not go to night classes, to hide in the big purple comfy chair at the starbucks by our house while lost in a book. I'm almost finished with HP5, though, what should I read next?
And this early morning science class is wretched. It's ruining my summer, I hate it, this 6am wakeup and being the dumbest person in class at 4 hours straight of geology is just breaking me down.
SGL, 11:11am
Monday, June 16, 2003
When the thinking stops, when the scenarios finally stop running through my head, when I stop holding imaginary conversations with people no longer alive, when I stop trying to mentally compute my LSAT score, then I still don't sleep. No, then I just cry.
I feel like going up to someone, maybe to you, really to anyone, and yelling "OH YEAH???" I feel like screaming "I'm a BIG GIRL!" You treat me like I'm so big, you let me carry what I will on my shoulders, you refuse to help me out, and then you turn around and baby talk me, and pretend that I can't handle the truth. I want to yell "I CAN HANDLE IT." I want to propose a challenge and then yell "I WILL BEAT YOU." I want to stare into your eyes until you back down. I want you to realize that I am a force, a powerful force, and I can hold my own.
And at the same time, I want to be taken care of. I want to let everything slide off my shoulders and know that everything will still be okay. I want someone to hold me so tightly and so completely that I can just cry all this out and then maybe get out alive.
I sound psychotic.
Obviously it's bedtime.
SGL, 11:00pm
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Such agony in waiting for my score. I thought I kicked ass. I thought I got somewhere around a 170. Then today I found out that the games section on which I KNOW I got all 22 questions right was the experimental section. ie: NOT COUNTED. So, down my approximate score goes. This is really upsetting. I've started imagining myself in law school. It's become so close I can almost touch it. But it hinges on this score. And I might not make it. 3 weeks til I can call and get my score. 163+, hello UT. Below that and I'll say hello to staying at Tequila for the rest of my life.
The weekend was nice. Party with Michele and Paul to say holy cow you're married. Love is a beautiful thing, and I'm truly glad for them. Also I went to a wine tasting at Master's restaurant and had a blast. I learned a ton about wine. I tried desperately to match my tastes to Ali's Mom (who is so worldly and knows well about all things, especially wine), but slowly found I was allowed to have my own tastes, too. My favorite wine was the Cellar #8 Zinfandel, and my favorite white was (I think?) the Concilio Pinot Grigio. Now I need to have a dinner party where I can wear a long dress, and red lipstick, and slightly curled hair, and sit around sipping wine. Anyone game for such a thing with me?
Now my latte is kicking in. On M/Ws I'm up at 6:45am for an early morning class before work, then I train til 10:30pm, so I have trouble with energy. But the days rock, because I get to train a lot. No matter what, at least I get to train.
SGL, 4:38pm
Monday, June 02, 2003
I love the smell of rain. Somehow it makes everything okay.
Lately I feel like things are falling apart. My mind, my body, my routine. I can't sleep. I just can't. I sit up and think, and fret, and run things over and over and over in my head, and the minutes tick away, and I can't let it go enough to fall asleep. I have to get this under control, it's ridiculous.
This weekend was terrible. Got a call on Saturday from Touchtone pictures. Agreed to do a session on Sunday. Things were bad from the get go, there was no time to properly set up, and the movie star was a TOTAL jerk. He walked in smoking and sneering and played the part of spoiled brat for the whole session. It was hellish. It makes me that much more desperate for a high LSAT score, for a way to get out of this superficial, fame/fortune driven business. If I have to bow down to one more egotistical star.....
But it's raining now, and somehow things seem, for the moment, okay. I'm going to ride my bike to class tonight, because I'll like the rain on my face. I hope training takes me out of this funk. I hope my shoulder forgets to hurt, just for tonight. I hope I wear myself out so I can get some rest tonight.
SGL, 5:12pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
