Isn't it funny how sometimes the world can just swallow you whole?
In Tukong tonight I'm in a daze. Ali comes over afterward and says, "You ok?"
I say "yes," but I mean "why do you love me?"
It's good I don't ask.
Is it the hair color? The eyelashes? My legs?
Strip it away, would you still love me?
Is it my family? My friends? My interests?
Strip those away, would you still love me?
Is it the accomplishments? The endeavors? The experiences?
Strip it all away, and what's left?
Me. Just me. What is that?
And is that enough?
SGL, 11:45pm
Monday, January 26, 2004
Being a student is indescribably wonderful. Such gratification, such satisfaction, such anonymity in the interim.
It alone would keep me sane. It's adding in the work, and the wedding planning, and the relationship maintaining, and the tukonging which throws me into the deep end.
Bren wisely advises from abroad. Here are things to which I will cling so I can find stability and sanity:
* bubble baths
* cooking
* reading history books while cuddled under blankets in our big living room chair
* coffee
* self-given manicures and pedicures
* spending time with mom and meg
* shopping for "disposable" clothes
I hope that's all I need.
SGL, 8:44pm
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Emotionally unstable lately. Being engaged has left me questioning everything. Am I ready to commit for life?
But I love him.
School is overwhelming. It's fantastic, each class, each reading assignment, each paper topic. It's all wonderful, and I look forward to each class day. But it's so much work, so much reading, so much preperation, and I've so little time left after I work and train Tukong and grocery shop and sit still holding my breath waiting for the emotions to settle.
So little time.
I'm in debt severly after our engagement party, and I'm not sure why. This week I must buy a computer, because how will I write papers without one?
But I really do love him.
SGL, 10:36pm
Monday, January 19, 2004
"I don't like the word 'stress,' it's a Madison Avenue word. It's something that can be cured with flavored coffee and bath bubbles." -President Bartlet
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Been down lately, kinda scared, haven't known why.
Then I realized that classes start a week from today.
18 hours. I have to make all As. Another language (italian). What if I fail?
I'm so scared about attempting this. I've never taken so many classes, never such hard classes, never while trying to keep up my few remaining clients at work.
I'm trying to get the wedding as figured out as I can now, because for the next 4 months I'm going to be so busy.
And covering all this fear and anxiety is Ali, and our relationship which, despite a big ring on my finger, seems totally free of bs, totally real, totally perfect.
I'm a lucky girl. Let's hope the luck continues through the semester.
SGL, 8:35pm
Friday, January 09, 2004
So excited about getting married.
More excited about being married than the wedding itself.
The ring is beautiful.
The support around us is beautiful.
It will be a big keg party reception.
Nice.
Don't worry, you're invited.
I'm too fat to get married, to be loved, to be pretty.
But he loves me.
We even have a wedding website.
SGL, 12:15am
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
We need a location. We think the date will be September 25th. We have under $1000 for a location, and neither our parents houses nor the dojang (for which much discussion is taking place) suits me.
So where?
I'm excited about the rest of it. Worried about the guest list, which Ali and Master want to be ~500 people. So much pressure all of a sudden.
School starts in 2 weeks. I'm excited.
SGL, 9:40am
Monday, January 05, 2004
Ali proposed.
It wasn't what I imagined, it was all so weird and different, and now my insides are a mess and the bride magazines are covering me and my sisters are vying for Maid of Honor and I'm overwhelmed.
I wasn't prepared for this. Why not? I didn't know this was engagement.
The ring is beautiful. He covered my eyes and walked me into the jewelry store and we picked one and now they are making it and we pick it up on Friday.
I guess things will simmer down and I will feel right again.
SGL, 12:25pm
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
