Trying to put wedding planning off until the summer, but some basic things need to be decided now. The wedding is in 7 months.
I'm having trouble reconciling my own wishes with the realities of the wedding. I want a tiny, quaint, elegant thing and that simply cannot happen. Ali wants a 300+ person potluck wedding, and that sounds like a nightmare.
I think the compromise will be a small (100 person) close friend and family ceremony, and a large (300+ people) reception with wine and hors d'oeuvres which my mom, her close friends, and other close friends will make.
But how do we pick who comes to the ceremony and who doesn't? Who we ask to bring food and who we don't? How can I get through this without stressing the relationship, eating myself silly, and ringing loved ones' necks?
I want to elope.
SGL, 1:13pm
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
So overwhelmed.
Such a fake.
Trying to avoid those glances which penetrate the charade.
Please don't know I'm no good.
Tomorrow's my first Big Test. I must do well. But how can I? I'm such a fake.
Going now to learn the difference between the spinocerebellar tract and the spinothalamic tract while soaking in the bubble bath.
Then Tukong, dinner, more studying and bed.
Hey, please help, what should I get Ali for Valentine's Day?
SGL, 7:00pm
Monday, February 02, 2004
I'm learning how to be these new things. A fiance, a girl's friend, a black belt, a student. It's weird how defined I was by my old roles, and how I become so blurry without them. Can you still see me?
The days aren't hard, really, as most people's are. They are privileged beyond belief, and yet so exhausting. I wake up and work, I play engineer. Then I put on my backpack and run to school. Then I drive in traffic and change into my dobok in the car. The grody men honk but I don't care. Then I train, and I'm a new black belt, a lipstick-wearing black belt. I yell loudly to compensate for the exaustion and confusion inside. I say yes sir but I don't always know why.
The only thing I hate in all this is my new short hair length. Everything else is okay.
SGL, 10:15am
"Perhaps the essential role of the ego is to mask from consciousness its very spontaneity." - Jean-Paul Sartre
